Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
