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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.